I was looking over some of my old scribbles and found this classic story I wrote for the Watley Review. I had to reblog it.
It’s Official! Guinea Pigs are the dumbest mammals on Earth.
Ballwinville, MO – In a somewhat surprising announcement today, a U.S. government agency tasked with finding the relative IQ’s of land based mammals published their final rankings. The meek guinea pig scored the lowest of all.
“We really didn’t expect the results we got.” said Dr. Tim Covington head of the Animals for Strategic Defense Agency. “The guinea pig display an extremely narrow range on our tests of basic cognitive abilities. You know, basic things, like not eating your own feces, remembering to breathe, or not urinating on yourself. All told, when we tabulated our results, the Guinea Pig group we tested actually scored a 0.5 out of 100 across the board on all of our intelligence tests. I have to say, that’s pretty hard to do.”
Covington declined to comment on why the government was conducting the tests, but noted that field mice and chipmunks were the big winners, scoring high in both cognitive ability and basic intelligence.test. As to the weak performance of the guinea pig, some were surprised, but few doubted the results.
“When you take a moment to think about the guinea pig,” noted famed zoologist Joseph Holsinger, “I think even Darwin would scratch his head. In a world filled with predators, they have no defense capabilities. They have very low environmental tolerance whereby small variances in heat and moisture can kill them. Their immune system is non-existent, which results in sudden death from even the most common strains of bacteria. Mix that in with the fact they are extremely nearsighted and don’t hear very well, you quickly conclude its a miracle this species has survived. As I see it, in the basic food chain, the guinea pig is designed to be nature’s equivalent of a Happy Meal.”
Dr. Covington concurred. “I mean, we know the guinea pig has a brain, but other than to keep its skull from collapsing, we are not really sure what they use it for. If not for children and pet stores, I think the guinea pig would have gone the way of the Dodo years ago.”
One local pet store owner who refused to be identified commented, “Oh hell yeah, they’re dumb. Funny story, I once had a Guinea Pig that choked to death while it was eating its own foot. True story,” the store owner said with a laugh. “Look, the bottom line with guinea pigs is, they are cute, they eat a lot, and they have a really short life span, all of which is good business for me.”
The much maligned Guinea Pig can do one thing well, though. “Yes,” said zoologist Holsinger, “the guinea pig can reproduce with the best of them. The average female can have up to 20 offspring in a year. That’s the highest rate among land-based mammals.”
The guinea pig – too dumb to exist, but smart enough to have a colossal sex life. Ignorance just may be bliss.